So, safe to say it’s been a while since I last wrote - seems I haven’t seeked refuge from this blog since April.
It’s not because I’ve had nothing to say or write at all, in fact it’s been much the opposite. But to even begin by saying that my experiences and rollercoaster of emotions over the past few months have been crazy would be an understatement.
Since April, I’ve been at my best, and have honestly shared and had some of the happiest moments of my life with someone really special. At the same time, I’ve been at my lowest point, cried the most I have collectively in a year, and been grief-stricken since coping with the gradual decline and finally passing of my grandfather. That along with generally sometimes just feeling worthless and insufficient towards the ones I love.
Over all the missed months of writing, I can’t deny that I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been. I felt a lot of things I never even knew existed, and I realised the part of me that used to be so independent rubbed off onto someone else. I feel as though I have lost a part of myself in someone and just like them, it’s a part of me I can’t be without. I feel myself slowly becoming attached, even though I never knew I could be. It’s a good feeling when you know everything is going well, that everything is going to be just fine. But at the same time it worries me, because I never knew I would be dependent on something else for my happiness, I feel underserving of them.
In other news, it’s been four months, and I can truthfully say I moved on a long time ago… but every once in a while, I think about my grandpa. The way he laughed and told us jokes when our whole family was together, his passion for sport, his persistence to battle and fight for his health for my grandma. I miss his cheeky smile and his curiosity when he asked me to look up things for him on the Internet. Lately, I’ve been catching myself thinking about him a lot, and I don’t even know why. I think it’s because when I’m feeling down, I think about what he went through and realise that I have nothing to worry about. I always hope he is watching over us and grandma, because she’s a beautiful person who deserves everything. I love you gong gong, RIP ♥
But most importantly, through it all, what I’ve learnt is that I am glad to have family, friends, but most notably that special someone who is my backbone in everything I do. The one who’s with me through the happiest and gets me through my toughest. Despite everything, I know I am lucky and for that, I strive to be a better person for myself and him because he deserves nothing short of the best.
Anyway, this was really nice. I forgot what writing can do for me. I think I’ll do it more often. I feel a wave of relief pour over me when I let everything spill out onto this page. Anyhow, I have not covered even half of what has happened over the course of these five months, but it is impossible to condense everything into one text post. It doesn’t sound like a long time, but at the very least, I feel like I have changed a lot.